Courtesy of MoonFruit Comics

No. I don’t believe everyone is a dick. But there are a lot of dicks on the planet and sometimes I think Thailand is the #1 dick country in the world. That makes sense, since the economy of Thailand, if not a good chunk of their GDP, has long depended on dicks. But I’m not talking about flaccid dicks or rigid dicks, I am talking about your basic everyday dick.

Dick: 1.  An adjective to describe a guy who is a jerk or does mean and stupid things.

2.An abrasive man. (Source: Urban Dictionary).

You don’t have to be named Dick to be a dick. But sometimes it’s a bonus. Like Tricky Dick Nixon or Dick Cheney. Cheney’s been a dick for a long time. I’m pretty sure even hard core Republicans would tell you Cheney is a big dick.

In literature, you have Herman Melville’s, Moby Dick but it’s actually the protagonist, Captain Ahab that is the real dick in that novel. What the great white whale did was always understandable. Not so with Ahab. What a dick.

I can be a dick; I know that. But I like to think that I am a dick to the dicks. The problem with two dicks going at it is no one will agree on who was the first dick. It always seems so clear to me. I think my dick meter is pretty accurate, subject to a margin of error of 5%, usually low. Agreeing on who was a dick first is like finding out someone doesn’t like you. It’s okay, you rationalize, because you didn’t like them first. It’s the same with dicks. You’ll be a dick back to a dick and the dick will think you’re the dick not realizing he’s the dick.

I did a book review for a Dick once. More than once, actually. This one has a web site, which he created, that has whatadick in the url address. Usually people talk about the dicks when they are not around, as in: “What a dick, he is.” And that may explain why there are so many dicks. There seems to be an element of pride about being a dick. And it doesn’t seem to matter if you are the first dick or the second dick, which is good because no one ever agrees on who was the first dick, anyway.

Can women be dicks? If men can be pussies surely women can be dicks. According to the above Urban Dictionary definitions, it would appear not. But that seems unfair to me and we live in age when people act like dicks when life is unfair. I’ve known some women dicks, but again it’s possible, I suppose, that they thought I was a dick before them. There’s a fine line between first dick and second dick.

Recently there has been some talk of vagina culture. I admit I know little about it. But I think I know a lot about dick culture. What makes a dick? Good question. If someone tears down a man of great accomplishments over petty reasons, I think that makes you a dick. Particularly if you tear down someone I like, such as Christopher Hitchens. If you dis Hitch you’re a dick in my book. A first dick, too. There is a bit of irony there, because even I will admit that Hitchens could be a big dick. But he did it with such class, I am sure he’d come up with a much better word for being a dick than, dick. Hitchens would pull a Philip Roth line out of his magnificent vocabulary. Anyone can call someone a wanker but it was Roth who got it down to an art form when he was talking dick:  “I am the Raskolnikov of jerking off.” He wrote in Portnoy’s Complaint. I miss Hitch. Roth stopped writing about dicks but he is still going strong at age 81. A sure sign someone is not a dick is when you miss them. No one misses a first class dick, although I’d have to be a dick not to admit that I could be wrong about that.

Is there good advice for dicks? Don’t be a dick would seem to be the no brainer, but does that include the second dicks? If there were no second dicks the first dicks would go around unencumbered by their dickness. The second dicks serve a potential purpose, to encumber the first dicks dick progress, provided you can agree on who the first dick is, and if you’ve learned anything in this dick tale it is that, while no two dicks are alike, the first dick can be in denial about his level of dickness.

So there you have it, my take on dicks. I say, knock yourself out and be a dick, sometimes, not all the time, as my wise wife likes to tell me. But only if the first dick doesn’t own up to being a dick. Or you could just ignore the dicks and do your best not to be around dicks. That’s probably the better idea. You’d have to be a real dick not to at least consider it.